“It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Captain Bartholomew Gosnold, and I will be your guide today.”

“Can we call you Bart?” asks a smiling man with a year-round tan and a white oxford shirt.

“I prefer Captain Gosnold, if you don’t mind.”

A nine-year-old girl glares suspiciously at the Captain. “My mom said you discovered Martha’s Vineyard? Did you really discover it?”

“Indeed I did. I named this most pleasant island for my infant daughter, Martha,” says the Captain.

“What about the Wampanoag Indians?” retorts the girl. Under her leadership as president of her school’s third-grade debate team, her class trounced both the fourth- and fifth-grade debaters. She’s ready for another win. “Didn’t they discover Martha’s Vineyard?”

“Hey, Bart,” says a six-year-old boy wearing a Red Sox baseball cap. “My friend Tommy told me we’re going to see naked people today.”

“That’s the other tour. This is the family history tour,” says the boy’s mother. “Does anyone need sunscreen?”

“Oh dear, I think we’re on the wrong tour then.” An attractive woman in her early thirties wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap pulls a colorful flier from a tote bag. “We signed up for Jungle Beach.” She points at the number four. “This one, with the nude sunbathers and bohemian intellectuals.”

“Indeed,” says Captain Gosnold. “Why don’t you go speak to Thomas Hart Benton? He’s right over there. See the man holding the paintbrush? He can help you out.”

“Thank you,” says the woman. “I’m so sorry. It’s not that we’re not interested in hearing about the early settlers, it’s just that my boyfriend is a potter and we’re really excited about taking a clay bath and meeting Roger Baldwin. We’re members of the ACLU. You see, we brought our tote bags.”

“I completely understand,” says Captain Gosnold.

A young man with an unkempt beard and ripped chino shorts walks through the crowd calling out, “Extras! Calling all extras! Steven Spielberg is on his way over. The weather is perfect for shooting. Extras, please follow me onto the Jaws bus.”

“Mom, I don’t want to learn about history. I want to get eaten by a shark.” The boy tugs at his mother’s beaded bracelet.

“They don’t allow you to get eaten by the shark, so it’s really not that fun.”

“I want to see the shark even if I don’t get to be eaten by it, and anyway, you get to go swimming and pretend that a shark is chasing you and you get to be in a movie.”

“Honey, they filmed Jaws over thirty years ago. You just get to pretend you’re an extra in the beach scenes now. Perhaps tomorrow we can do the Jaws tour.”

The tan man in the white oxford puts his hand on his wife’s shoulder. “It’s your lucky day. I think that’s Carly Simon over there talking to Meg Ryan, Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, Larry David, Lady Gaga, and Jackie O. I think it’s the real Carly Simon, but I’m not so sure about the others.”

“Stop staring. Remember, on Martha’s Vineyard you don’t look at the celebrities. You pretend not to notice them. It’s not like at Universal Studios. It’s different here. Let’s walk by and pretend we don’t recognize them. Come on.”

“Please don’t go. Mom, Dad, stay here. I’m scared.” The third-grade girl throws her arms around her father’s waist. She’s forgotten all about debating Captain Gosnold. “Why are all those big black SUVs with tinted glass windows here? Dad, there’s a gun sticking out of that car’s window.”

“Don’t worry. It’s just the president’s motorcade.”

“What? Is the president here? I want to see the president.”

“I thought you said you’re not supposed to acknowledge celebrities.”

“The president is an exception. It would be rude to pretend not to notice him. I’m desperate to shake his hand, or at the very least take a tumble with a Secret Service agent.”

“I’m afraid the president isn’t here,” says Captain Gosnold. “That’s just his motorcade. It cruises around the Island to give visitors the opportunity to drive behind it. It’s a particularly popular attraction on rainy days. We’ll be boarding my brig Concord in a few minutes, and I’ll need a few strong men to crew for me. What do you say, young lad?”

“Can we see the shark from your boat?”

“We sail in the other direction, but I’ll show you some spectacular sights.”

“I want to see the shark!”

“Tomorrow we’ll do the shark,” his mom says. “I do wish the president was here. You’d think that would be one of the activities offered. I could have sworn I saw that on the flier. Does anyone have a copy of the MV Reenactments flier? I’d like to check something.”

“Mom! I want to see the shark today!”

“If you don’t calm down, there will be no shark and no history.”

“I want to see the shark! I want to see the shark!”

“That’s it. We’re done. See what you’ve done. Everybody, back on the ferry. We’re going home. I’m sorry, Mr. Bart. Maybe another time.”

“That’s Captain Gosnold, if you don’t mind. Captain Bartholomew Gosnold.”

Real reenactments at JawsFest this month

JawsFest: The Tribute is a four-day event celebrating the 1975 blockbuster film shot on Martha’s Vineyard. It takes place August 9 through 12 and will include a number of “random reenactments.” You can relive the intensity of Quint’s Indianapolis speech or his hair-raising chalkboard scene at Amity Town Hall. Witness the mayor and police chief aboard the Chappy ferry discussing closing the beaches. The entire event – including watching Jaws in Ocean Park in Oak Bluffs – will surely bring out your inner finatic. www.jawstribute.com.