Best Burger, Live Band, Veterinarian, Hotel – the annual Best of the Vineyard awards is a Martha’s Vineyard tradition. But the Vineyard is more than just flavorful food, engaging events, and stellar services – right? What about the idiosyncratic characters that make this place tick? The pet peeves of Islanders? The rumors that keep Islanders amused in the off-season? Who will lift them up on a pedestal and bestow upon them the Best of the Vineyard moniker? If not us, who? If not now, when? Without further ado, we give you the …
rest of the Best of the Vineyard. (See the real deal here.)

Best Fish: Sal the Striped Bass

Runner-up: Truth the False Albacore

Sal, an eighty-year-old, seventy-nine-pound striper, has survived every fishing derby since its inception. Raised near South Beach and now living just off [redacted at Sal’s request], he recently completed construction on a custom underwater mansion built entirely out of lures he’s confiscated. Truth the False Albacore, originally born Jebediah Jr., legally changed his name after heavy influence by the hipsters in his school. Truth values irony over anything else in the sea.

Best Tourist: Mike T. from Michigan

Runner-up: Brinkles the Yellow Lab

The reigning Best Tourist since the late ’90s, Mike visits every year, always in the shoulder season. A stickler for crosswalks, he traverses streets quickly without holding up traffic for photo ops or map checks.  While it was reported that Mike said “Oaks Bluff” last week, further investigation revealed this was a false alarm, occurring in an off-Island poker game when he called the bluff of his friend Jim Oaks. Brinkles is Mike’s trusty yellow Lab, a career “heeler” who only barks when beachgoers don’t carry in and carry out.

Best App: Clam Chowder

Runner-up: Fried Clams

When one sees “app” in 2015 they inevitably think of Uber or Tinder. But the original app went in your stomach, not your phone. Clam chowder is so delicious the Island has a separate contest for it every year. Fried clams comes in second due to fatty oil content, but still shine thanks to their ease of sharing and ergonomic design.

Best New Term:
“New Sea Glass” Resident

Runner-up: Insta-clam

Whereas the term “washashore” refers to an off-Islander who moved here, a “new
sea glass” is a washashore who is too rough around the edges and not ready for the Vineyard lifestyle. An “insta-clam” is a clam posted on Instagram. An admittedly inane term, its rising popularity further illustrates the dominance of this tasty shellfish.

Best Winter Sport: Facebook

Runner-up: Robin Corley Basketball League (aka the RCBL)

Some might try and fail to argue that Facebook isn’t a sport, but use of this website has quickly emerged as the most competitive and ruthless offseason pastime. Daily battles occur over who has the coolest friends, noblest political views, and most likes on a cat video. For those who prefer the combination of leaving the house and basketball, the RCBL is great.

Best Rumor:
Gay Head Light Buried Treasure

Runner-up: Back Door Donuts Indian Food  

The 2015 rumor du jour posits that an ancient buried treasure chest – not erosion – caused the Gay Head Light to be unearthed, overtaking a sensational April rumor that Back Door Donuts would expand its menu to carry tikkas and kormas.