I understand it’s August. Knowing you get inundated with letters in December, I thought perhaps you’d have some downtime now. It’s lovely here, and I don’t want to sound like I’m whining, but I’m a freckly redhead and my doctor says I should stay out of the sun. The problem is I don’t go to the beach until mid-afternoon and by then it’s almost impossible to get a parking spot.

Santa, you probably don’t like the beach. Do you even own swim trunks? They make some very nice ones for men your size these days.

I’m putting a beach sticker to Lambert’s Cove on the top of my list, and I’d prefer not to have to wait until Christmas. Any chance you could expedite things a bit and drop it off this week? If you’re not able to persuade the folks at the West Tisbury Town Hall to give you a beach sticker, don’t feel bad – I couldn’t either. Try Chilmark. Have you been to Squibnocket? It’s worth checking out. If those folks seem standoffish too (you know how up-Islanders can be), you can drop a key to Quansoo down our chimney.

I’ve done some good deeds this year, worthy of, say, my own parking spot in town as well – I’ll take any town. Santa, I’m wondering if you are the right go-to person for all this. Should I be hitting up the Tooth Fairy? I did lose part of a tooth in June. Sorry for unnecessarily taking up your time. If you do decide to stop by the Vineyard this summer, check out the Agricultural Fair. Some of the crafts look like they could have been made by your very own elves.

Dear Tooth Fairy,

It’s been a while, but I recently chipped off part of a tooth, so I thought I’d write. First, please let me apologize. I really don’t know why my daughter wanted to keep all her baby teeth instead of giving them to you. The good news is I now have a tooth for you. I don’t know if you are in the habit of coming back around when permanent teeth get less permanent, but I thought I’d write in case you’d like to stop by. You could see the house. I’ll leave out photographs of the family. Speaking of photographs, Tooth Fairy, I wonder why mine never win any ribbons at the Fair? I think they are worthy. Do you have any influence with the judges? Or Tooth Fairy, are you just the type that stops by and drops some cash under a pillow? And would it be a conflict of interest to spend your money on Chilmark Chocolates?

Dear Fairy Godmother,

You around? I think you could get me a beach sticker. Also, I may need ferry tickets off the Island on Labor Day weekend. I’m wondering if you could help me with that too. If you could get me a floating stagecoach, I wouldn’t complain – I hope you don’t mind that I’m not into the whole glass-slipper thing. I’m kind of a klutz and would certainly stumble and break the glass, and anyway, I prefer flats as I’m quite tall. But I’ll take a dance with a prince, if there’s one around. If not, I hear there are quite a few movie stars here in the summer. It would be fun to dance with a movie star, as long as I didn’t step on his toes. Can you find me a tall movie star? If not, maybe you can get my husband to dance with me. He doesn’t like dancing. Fairy Godmother, I hope you are well. Do you keep in touch with the Tooth Fairy? If so, maybe you could have a little chat with her. I’m pretty sure I saw her snooping around the Monster Shark Tournament in July. I know she probably found some fine shark teeth, but I think it tarnishes her image to be seen there. Fairy Godmother, your illustrious image could never be tarnished.

Sincerely yours, Kate Feiffer

Kate is an author, filmmaker, and humorist who lives in Oak Bluffs and writes regularly for the magazine about Vineyard idiosyncrasies.